just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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