What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
