Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
