i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
