please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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