You can't special order awesome
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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