trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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