how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
