It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
