is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
