Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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