Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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