Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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