i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
