Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
