2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
