I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
