I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
