I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Found the puke drawer
This baby is an asshole
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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