He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
