I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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