Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
