The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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