Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
