I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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