And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
