I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
