I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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