the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
