She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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