2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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