I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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