dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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