So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
