I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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