i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize