Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
