if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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