You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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