I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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