I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
