Actions speak louder than pants.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
