Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
smell my finger.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Let's paint friendship bongs
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
