Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
