Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
