Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
