Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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