Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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