I cannot find my penis.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
