Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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