now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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