Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
