Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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