Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
