Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
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