The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
