i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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