The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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