Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
