Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
one two three fourrrrnication!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
