I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
