We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
