Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you inspire me to be a worse person
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
