areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
