I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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