my vag is so smooth its legendary
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
