I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
